If there is one piece of advice I could offer to someone beginning their weight loss journey or their quest to become healthier, as someone who has been on his own for a long time, and as someone who has experienced several ups and downs, it would be this:
Don’t be me.
Don’t allow yourself to do an amazing thing, like trying Crossfit for the first time, and then stand in the mirror and remind yourself of how fat and ugly you think you are.
Don’t allow yourself to accept compliments with a smile, while thinking the person giving said compliment is full of shit and is just trying to say something nice.
Don’t allow yourself to hate yourself.
On the surface, that last one doesn’t necessarily sound that bad. You hate the way you are now, so you will work hard to try to fix it so you can be who you want to be. Fair enough, right?
It doesn’t really work that way in practice though, because that hate will spread like a cancer, bringing with it self-loathing and cynicism, to the point where someone deep down inside, you really won’t think you are worth fixing, and you won’t think people will give a shit either way. Keep it up for too long, and eventually you will leave this world having completely missed out on what you could have been. The world will be worse for it, because it could have missed out on a great human rights advocate, or a philosopher, or a teacher, or a parent, or whatever, and no one will ever know just how great things could have been, or what great things could have spawned from it.
I say don’t be me, because somewhere inside me, there is damage. The cancer of hate has spread, and it’s causing the support beams to buckle, or the neurons to misfire, or whatever. I’m not to a point where I am completely incapable of experiencing joy, or wonder, but I fear what will happen if the course continues. I know what to do, and on the surface I will try, but then I will falter and give up, because deep down inside there is a part of me that doesn’t feel like it’s worth the trouble.
I started this journey almost three years ago. Many incredible things have happened, but because of all of these issues, I only see a fat piece of shit loser. Because of that, I am left with almost no self worth, 50 extra pounds, and a whole mess of hatred.
No one should experience this, because it fucking sucks.
You don’t have to be happy with all the choices you’ve made in your life, and you don’t have to be happy with the way you are at this point in time. But you have to accept what has happened, and move on. If you need to be angry, you can get angry, but then let it go, and don’t let it become hate.
A parent could have a kid who is acting like a total asshole, and has done some shitty things. Will the parent hate the kid? No. They won’t be happy with him/her, but the love will be there nonetheless. It needs to be like this internally too. Just as a parent hating a child will only cause pain and misery for both parties and everyone else involved, allowing yourself to hate yourself will cause pain and misery for yourself, and everyone else you know and love, and everyone you could eventually know and love. Like I said before, you go down this path, and the world is worse for it.
If you feel this is happening to you, or has already happened, please do something about it. Put it out there, because people need to know what is going on with you under whatever sort of front you are putting on, and then get help. I can’t really offer up what kind of help, because I don’t know, and I’m just as lost in all of this as you are, but try anything! Speak to a therapist, or go to a support group, or talk to your pastor, or blog, but do something. But be open, and be honest, because hiding any part of this is like a doctor only removing part of a tumor. Eventually it will grow back, and the cycle will begin again.
Don’t try to do it alone though, because you will probably fail. No single human lives on an island of existence. Everything you’ve done in every moment on your life has had an effect on someone else. You might think closing off and retreating within yourself will be beneficial to those around you, but people aren’t stupid. They will see, or know, that you are still suffering, which will cause them their own pain, and begin a vicious cycle with no winners at the end.
I don’t know what my next steps are, but I do want to be better. Hitting submit on this post isn’t going to make that magically happen either. I know this is going to be a long, sucky road, and I am already worn out, and so very tired. I know there’s also no guarantee of finding a holy grail on the other side either. Just because you don’t know though, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
I want to thank the people at Fitbloggin, especially within Karen, Shauna and Mara’s session, and well as Tara and Meegan’s for helping me realize some of these things by telling their own stories. I saw a lot of myself in many of the stories told, and I feel a little less alone than I did going in.
If you happen upon this blog because you are looking for a Fitbloggin recap, don’t be discouraged by this depressing suckhole of a post. The conference was all sorts of awesome and a ton of fun, but it also led to some pretty profound moments and revelations for a lot of people.
I sincerely hope that everyone who was there finds the peace, self-acceptance, and love they need, even if they don’t know they need it yet, because if they do, the world will be BETTER for it.
You’re so eloquent and honest. I knew when we said goodbye today something like this was brewing, and I’m so glad you went right home and wrote it out loud. And I’ll be here to believe in you and accept you and love you until you’re able to do all those things for yourself. And then? I’ll keep doing it.
My life is better because you’re in it. So thank you.
{{{Hugs}}} I can relate on so many levels. About 8-9 years ago, I had lost 140 pounds and my goal weight was within site. I let a very messy divorce and health issues distract me for a couple of years and ended up regaining back about 100 pounds of what I’d worked so hard to lose. I’ve mostly played “at” losing the weight again the past few years. I seem to be losing and gaining the same 20 pounds over and over again. When I first started my journey back in 2001 at 337 pounds, I had reached a point where I was just DONE with being overweight. I need to find that place again.
Reading this has me in tears while I’m driving back with the DubyaFam from Fitbloggin. (I can’t believe I have any tears left! Lol) Your words are so truthful and real. Many of us conitue forward thinking repression will solve everything and it actually makes things worse. I’m not sure who said it but our journeys are mostly in our hearts and heads not our bodies or what goes in our mouths. We need to learn more about our NEW seves… And love every fucking thing.
To quote a great person I know, I call bullshit. You are worth it. We’re all fucked up in our own ways, but you’ll get through this. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
DO be you….DO DO DO DO!!!
I am really sorry that we didn’t connect more at Fitbloggin. This is going to sound kinda lame, but I am sort of shy (really? yes) and I sort of feel that you’re one of the popular kids (really? yes) and so I didn’t reach out when maybe I should have.
YOU. ARE. SO. WORTH. ACCEPTING. You love cats.
We all have as much shit to shed as we do weight to shed. The one thing watching the semi scripted reality show that we all love has taught me it so much more than how to sweat. It taught me that ever pound of fat and every ounce of sweat is equal to that in shit we’re shedding.
I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place. When I was in college and happy I was dropping weight, eating right, having the good balance of eating right and indulging when I wanted. Since moving home… I slipped back to the ways that had me packing on those pounds and I’m still doing so. I have to either figure out how to take the dive into moving out and having faith someone will hire this fat guy, or figure out how to lose it living with my folks (toxic environment, no just the home thing but the entire area) and I’ve failed at that for three years…
That being said. You are more than your fat. If someone says “Steve you’re a great guy.” they aren’t saying Steve your fat is great. They are saying YOU are great! If they say oh you look good! It doesn’t mean, you look good for a fat guy, it means YOU LOOK GOOD! Learn to take it at face value specially if it comes from someone you love/trust.
Bro Hugs!
Somehow I found this at a time when I am feeling all of those things and having a pretty fantastic pity party. There are so many things in this post I relate to and so I just wanted to say thanks for putting it all into words.
One of my favorite mottos is “Even on your worst day, you can be someone’s hero.”
And that’s exactly what you’re doing here — i think it takes a lot of courage to drop the guise of the happy fat person and say “you know what? I have more work to do.”
No matter how you feel about your physical self, or where you are on your journey, know that at this very moment, you showed strength and compassion for not only yourself, but others, by sharing this.
I’m always around if you ever need anything. Seriously.
Pffft! You are a whole lot of awesome and don’t you forget it!
Bullshit! Double bullshit!! Man I wish men would talk about shit in the open more, JUST like you did in this post but preferably not after we’re hundreds of miles away
While I did talk a bit in the lot to lose session I regretted not talking in the self acceptance session. The number of times I felt like complete shit and worthless about myself before I started trying to get healthy and especially when I failed during my journey is absolutely ridiculous.
I was full of self deprecating thoughts and negatively but it eventually subsided. Usually it was after I’d decided to try again. The combination of endorphins and successes reminded me of my potential. The feelings I had after finishing a killer workout trumped the negativity … not all at once, absolutely not. It took time and each success quieted it a little more. Over time and many failures I learned to be happy with myself and appreciate the journey and the process.
I takes time man but as the wise Dubya already said, our longest and hardest journey is in our hearts and minds and not so much in our body as we usually think. You can do this, you have a community to support you and the drive to do it. You just have to make the first step for you, the rest will fall into place.
Next FitBloggin we men have to vow to talk with more depth and break some of these barriers down. If not formally in a session then at the bar … deal?
Well fuck. Here it is 6:30 in the morning, the first day after Fitbloggin and I’m crying like a freaking baby and can hardly see the keyboard on my phone to type this out to you.
There are so many things I want to say Steve. I can’t eloquently say any of them except this: I get this.
Do you hear me? I get this. I can’t tell you how many times I stood in front of the mirror and berated my body for being fat. I would punch my fat and say “you’re so effin ugly” and then hit myself in the head for crying. It was a horrible vicious circle that I allowed myself to be in but didn’t know how to get out of it.
I don’t have any words of wisdom on how to get yourself out of it. Deep down inside I believe you already know. But know this my friend, you deserve to get yourself out of that vicious circle. You deserve (no matter how hard or how small the steps feel) to move forward.
I have so much respect and admiration for your raw honesty in this post. This is one of those hard steps forward. We all believe in you Steve and will always be here to show you until you can believe in yourself.
Steve. I was crazy excited to meet you this weekend. Hearing your words from this post (Tara read it out loud to me while choking back tears) reminds me why. You know what’s important. You knew coming home that this weekend reminded you even in a cycle of self-hate (one I’m trying so hard to climb out of myself) that putting it out there is the giant leap forward. I’m so damn grateful you were there to share with us in the two sessions and even more grateful it started that little spark inside again. The one that’s telling you you are worth it. Because you are. We are. Let’s keep supporting each other. Pretty please?
PS you really are made of awesome. And I’m sad we didn’t get to gangham style around at least one room together. xo
So glad I stopped by today. What a emotional post. I was even more touched by the responses. If you ever decide to throw yourself a parade of awesomeness, count me in.
I don’t want to sound trite but let me say that I am sending you virtual hugs right now. You are a wonderful and inspiring human being and I look forward to seeing your face & name in my Twitter feed every day. Know that you have friends far & wide rooting for you.
ox ox,
Margo
Steve. As many have said. You already know your answer somewhere deep inside. That’s why those stories touched u do very deeply. The path however is not an easy point a to b and it is ever changing and often that causes the confusion and contributes to the anger and loathing. Just keep reading those stories that touch ur heart. Keep writing ur truths and reaching out to others and u will slowly learn to trust ur inner voice and the answers it can give u.
Steve…I am right there with you. I hate on myself so bad that I didn’t realize how bad it has been until I read this post. I taunt myself. I guilt and shame myself into bad decisions. When I know (and sometimes even fully intend) to do something GOOD, I guilt and shame myself out of it. And when I do make a good decision, I criticize myself the entire time.
“Oh, you’re going to the gym? Better sit in the parking lot for a half hour and watch all the fit and healthy people on the treadmill. Psych yourself out before walking into the gym. Get on the elliptical and cut your time short because you’re so paranoid that people are staring/laughing at you.” And on and on…
It’s such a sick cycle of irrational mental bullshit. Seriously, NO ONE is looking and if they are, SCREW THEM. It’s those little mind tricks I play on myself that keep me from getting ANYWHERE. :-/ How to get past the mental crap? Not sure, but this post surely helped me understand that what I am doing is NOT WORKING and I MUST CHANGE IT. Thanks for reminding me that this journey is never over, even when I am down, because I am not out!
I sincerely hope that one of the next steps in the suckhole of this current existence is FORGIVENESS for you. Being at a place of honesty without spiraling is hard. However I have faith you will work with what you find to be running on more awesome and sparkly unicorn poops again. Thank you for sharing. You are also one of the good guys.
Steve it’s been ages since I read your blog, I think it’s at a different URL than before! I am so glad Tara posted the link on FB so I could find you again. Thank you for the honesty of this post. I have struggled with self-hate on and off through life, and one thing I’ve learned is that we are ALL worthy of love. And I still have hard days, but at least in those times I can remind myself of what I know. We (you, me, everyone) are worthy of love and we are enough RIGHT NOW. Not “if” we lose enough weight or “when” we get that raise we’re asking for. Nothing needs to change for us to be 100% enough and loveable; we are that now. I hope you can get to a place where you feel that deep down in your gut and your bones.
I am here to offer all the hope and encouragement I can muster.
I hated me. When people ask me how I ‘did it’. How I lost weight. They want a formula. Eat this, work out like this, done. But it wasn’t about the weight. It was about the mess. It was only when I healed the mess that I came out on the other side a happier healthier me. It’s the emotional and mental work that is the toughest. But it’s the most important. You can do it. You have love surrounding you like I’ve never seen. There is greatness in you. We see it. Some day you’ll see it too.
AMAZING POST! That post was so me it’s scary! Thanks for this Steve, everyone needs a smack in the face sometimes to show them the light.
WOW…
You really are awesome, and not just because you had the iPhone 5 already.
The fact that you were able to write all of this shows that you have the insight and inner strength to continue on this hard journey. It’s not a smooth path, there are lots of twists and turns and traps and holes to fall into, but as long as you keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other — and reaching out for a helping hand when you need one — you will get there.
This post is incredible. I wish I were brave enough to write everything in my head right now.
No matter how bad or good things are, you’re never alone. You know what you need to do. And now that this is all out there, it’s time to act.
Steve, I can’t control how you see yourself now or in the future, but what *I* see is someone who is so freaking awesome, including being ballsy enough to write about this. Keep on being you, baby.
Ps. I failed to “accidentally” rub your ass at Fitbloggin. Totally missed out on doing the pervert thing.
You gotta know that most of us feel the same exact way that you do Steve. I just wrote an email to myself about fitbloggin that I need to post…need to publish….and need to SHARE. The sharing helps. I also know therapy helps. I’ve done it. Figuring out our messed up minds is not easy, but well worth the battle.
You got my number dude. Feel free to use it.
Lots of hugs & a few cute kitten thoughts to ya! 
hehe
I’m so glad that I got to chat with you this weekend! You know that I feel the same way … SO many of us do. You are AWESOME. Own it, friend!
Steve, I’m not going to repeat what the others have said, because you already know it to be true. But – here’s a little of what I’ve learned along the way. No one gets to be significantly overweight or morbidly obese without said person being a little damaged. I know, because I am that person. I am broken. I am damaged. Know what else I’ve learned? I can be repaired. I can find that joy. I am worthy. And so are you.
I only met you this weekend Steve and I’m proud of you for putting this out there. I know that feeling and I think the fact that you realize how cancerous (great analogy) it is, means you are that much closer to changing it. I promise you that it IS worth it because by taking care of yourself, you will change how you feel about yourself. that self-hate will turn to self-love (I speak from experience) Don’t ever give up on yourself. Life is short and precious. Make the most of it! You took a pretty big step today, so you’re already on your way to feeling better whether you realize it or not. the trick now is to not give up no matter what! You can do this.
You are not alone. And you are loved.
I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself better this weekend. But to read your words made me cry. I’m glad you wrote this and I’m glad I got to hear you talk. I know you will find your way because you’ve already started. Like I tell my husband start saying good things to yourself in the mirror till you believe them. You are one of the good guys for sure. You aren’t your weight either, remember that. Wish I could give ya a hug.
Steve, this piece, this FEELING, is so important. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honesty and vulnerability here – it meant so much to me. There are a lot of things that I want to say upon reading this, but the most important thing I want to say is, when I told you how handsome I thought you were, I was neither lying nor trying to be nice
I read this post. Then I went away. Then I came back and read it again. Then I kept it in my tabs for a couple days. I didn’t know what to say.
I still don’t know what to say, but there’s this: You are awesome. We all love you and think so. You are not alone. Thank you for being brave and vulnerable and honest.
You’re so brave to put these words out there. I know you feel some relief maybe even freesdom from holding this all in. I know because that is what I felt when I wrote my post. It’s out there now. You’ve set it out there and now you can take care of you. I know its scary to not know where to go next. Just be with you…be good to yourself…no harsh words or thoughts for yourself. One day just give it a shot and the next day be good to yourself in a different way. All you need is a starting point, the rest will come to you later.
I beg you from the bottom of my heart to let go of the cancer of hate. Please. I’ve seen what it is to lose someone from that terrible disease and it cannot be you. You’re too special for that….I meant it!
How can I add anything more here Steve? Wow, you’ve got some amazing friends here commenting on your post. If you don’t believe you are awesome, you have a lot of people telling you that you are, in fact, awesome.
I don’t know how you can get to a point where you don’t hate on yourself anymore. I think we all probably have days were a little bit of that creeps back in, at least I do, but those days are becoming less and less. The thing is, it takes all of us something different to say “what the actual fuck am I doing to myself”, to get angry enough to stop the madness that we are creating in our own bodies and lives. Only you can be the one to do something about the things you control – if that means food or exercise and nothing else you DO control that and that’s really a big deal. A lot of times we don’t even realise we CAN control this and we come up with all sorts of reasons we cannot.
I feel like I’m rambling, so I just want to say, you are loved, adored even – you have so many great, cool qualities, and think of Tara when I say “YOU DESERVE THIS.” Seriously, you do.
xxx
Steve –
We started our journeys around the same time, and I have to say, I’ve been totally blessed by your friendship and encouragement. This journey isn’t a solid line trending in the downward weight direction, it’s a line that takes many ups and downs along the way. I think we’ve both grown a lot personally, and don’t negate the value of that, too! This journey is about much more than just weight, and I for one, think you’ve done AMAZING and inspired a lot of people in the process.
-Chad
I just wanted to let you know I hear you. So many of our struggles in life aren’t about what we really think they’re about or what they appear to be about on the outside. It’s taken me a really long time to fully understand and appreciate the power of the mind games & the inner critics / gremlins that go on inside our head. Until we really dig deep inside, explore what we think & feel about ourselves, what our hearts desires are, and understand ourselves, we’re all fighting an uphill battle.
I was talking to my husband just yesterday about where he wants to go with his life, what he really really wants to do 5//10/15 years from now, his dreams & desires, and all the mind games he plays (that we don’t even realize sometimes). Thank you so much for putting this post out there & having the courage to hit publish. It doesn’t solve anything & there’s really no finish line in life, it’s all about the journey and taking glorious, happy steps in the right direction each day. So just keep on going, you’re doing it right!
[...] But now it’s out there. Seeing I’m not alone, I need to see myself differently, and working on it all is the only way to improve is where to begin. I have good support and I’m opening up [...]
I thought that I had left a comment on this post but I cant find it.
Regardless, I wanted you to know that I appreciated the candor in this post. I relate to it. I feel like a fat sack of shit on a daily basis. I am dealing with the self-loathing better and better though on a daily basis.
You have intestinal fortitude for writing this post. Keep up the good fight man.
[...] them all day every day. I know there are others out there who are fighting them as well. Go read this post from Steve Gray, who I met at the Fitbloggin conference. This post made me almost cry because I [...]
[...] Running on Awesome: Don’t Be Me (seriously. read. [...]
I love you.